The Big Picture…
Yesterday morning I was going about my normal Tuesday, sitting in CHOW II when my phone buzzed. Quickly I silenced it so as not to disturb the class and was curious when I noticed my Dad was calling me. He left a message and after class I proceeded to check it. He only mentioned the fact that he was wondering when my tests were and how they were going. I called him back to tell him my mid-term schedule. After telling him this he broke the news to me, my uncle Buster had passed away that morning. Shocked I asked what had happened and how everyone was doing. Apparently the night before he had felt sick and feverish but later that night he had started talking jibberish and shaking so my aunt called 911. A few hours later he passed away because a strep infection had gotten into his bloodstream. This was shocking and completely unexpected for my whole family. My dad told me that he and pretty much the rest of my extended family was at my aunt’s house off and on through out the whole day.
Uncle Buster was my dad’s brother-in-law. I wasn’t as close to him as some of my other family but our whole family is pretty close knit so knowing what others were going through made me just as upset. It was so hard for me to continue going through my day knowing what was happening back home, wishing I could be there with my family. How could I enjoy my day, laugh at a joke, or be normal knowing what had happened? It is still sinking in that my uncle has passed on. I am thankful to know that he is with his savior right now but that doesn’t change the fact that he is absent. And what am I supposed to do here? I’ve been praying my little heart out but I’m the type that likes to do something with my hands to feel useful. All day yesterday this kept running through my head. And because of everything else going on I didn’t have a chance to cry and let it out till last night. And out it came.
I’m so thankful right now for all my wonderful friends that have surrounded me not only with arms but with prayers. Each one has ministered in different ways, whether it be a hug, a kind word, an understanding that I don’t want to think about it, or being there to talk it through when I do want to voice something. I’ve seen different aspects of God through the diversities of my friends. They are all such a blessing to me.
All of this along with other things going on right now has put so many things into perspective. Comparing the death of a family member with the petty details of what I’m doing for Spring break or a test I’m studying for made me realize there’s so much more to life than we realize most of the time. Yes, to use Covenant phraseology, we have our “little c” calling to be students but looking at the big picture it’s only four years of my life. Yes it’s important to strive to do my best here and now but with the realization that it’s not everything. Getting a low grade on my test is not going to effect how I serve the Lord later on in my life. All the petty drama that goes on too makes me sick. Why do we worry ourselves to death about guys/girls, test grades, Spring break details, what so-and-so said behind our backs, etc? When are we going to learn to trust God and look at the big picture realizing that there is so much more to life than that. Now I’m not saying we should stop enjoying the little things like taking a moment to enjoy the sunset, the snow falling down, an eclipse, a warm fire by a pond, the laughter of friends over a silly joke, the comfort found in a friend’s quick hug or kind word, the beautiful view from our mountain, or the late night conversations about nothing with a roomate. I think those are important to helping us keep our sanity. I am easily amused by the little things and find joy in something small like a note in my mailbox. There’s a balance of keeping in mind the big picture while enjoying the little joys each day that life provides us. It’s like walking down a path…you have to keep your eye on where you’re going but if you don’t take a moment to look around you, you’ll miss the daffodils on the side of the path.
It’s amazing to me how much stress and anxiety is put into one fleeting moment of our life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m guilty of this myself. But why do we stress so much over an event like some dance, wondering who’s going to ask you when it is but a fleeting moment in our life? Yes, we might have memories to cherish but why waste the time worrying over it when we could be using our time better. I’m preaching to myself here too. Well, to avoid becoming a broken record I’ll end with this: as Christians I think it’s even more important for us to keep the big picture in mind knowing that we are graciously being allowed a part of God’s even bigger picture and plan of redeeming the world and we need to be in tune to how God will use us. When we are worried over the little things in life that are but a moment, we block out God’s voice trying to handle it on our own. But if we allow God to be in the driver seat we can sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that he knows where we are going. So not only can we keep our eyes on the road but we can look out the window and enjoy the passing scenery.
Any prayers for my family and extended family will be greatly appreciated.
“I love you, O Lord, my strength. the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:1-3
God, our Heavenly Lover
In doctrine today, Dr. Kapic spoke about the theology of election. As a pre-cursor to what I really want to talk about, I’ll give a short overview of what we discussed. Basically he talked about how 1)we have to handle the doctrine with care, 2) election is not a secret, 3) it should be comforting to us, not exclusive, and last but not least, 4) we should view election as being called by our heavenly lover. There is much more to it than these short points but it is the last point I want to expand on.
Kapic spoke about how this imagery of God being our heavenly lover makes most of us uncomfortable when in fact the imagery is all over the Bible. It talks about the church as Christ’s bride and how he calls us. Yes, we may talk about the church as Christ’s bride, but how does a groom act towards his bride? He woos her!! As Sibbes, a puritan, describes of God, he uses “words which warm and inflame the heart of a spouse.” He chose us and woos us to himself because of his Great Love for us.
But this isn’t even really what struck me. What I’m really trying to get at is what Kapic pointed out to us-that all of us are made with a deep, deep longing to be chosen. Often we seek to fulfill this longing in a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. We may be satisfied for a short time, but ultimately being chosen by a finite human being will not fulfill that deep longing. What will bring ultimate satisfaction is God, our heavenly lover. The love of God does not waver or change.
This really stuck out to me because this is something I’ve been struggling with. I have struggled with the longing of being loved and chosen by someone. I try to deny it saying I’m content being single and am not worried about that “whole boyfriend thing”. In general this is true, but there are those times when it is not. This is not to say that I’m looking for a boyfriend. Not that I have anything against boys, but I feel it’s best to treat my brothers in Christ as friends, not possible boyfriend material. And all I’m expecting out of my guy friends is friendship. At this time in my life, I firmly believe that God’s plan for me is to be single. This is how I am best serving Him right now, but this could change in the near future or it could remain true for a while. But to be honest that longing, the longing to be chosen, special, held, cherished and loved is there. It is not bad to have that longing in us, what matters is how we choose to fulfill that longing. Do we seek to be fulfilled by human love, that can change and is not perfect? Or do we seek to be fulfilled by God, our Heavenly Lover who is constant and longs to hold us, to cherish us, to make us special.
The fact that God is our lover and has chosen us hit home for me. I realized that in the midst of my struggle with this longing, I had forgotten how I should be ultimately and completely satisfied. Ultimate satisfaction is found in Christ. This is comforting yet convicting. How often do I turn to Christ when that longing comes? When the longing is so strong I have to hold back the tears? The answer would be not very often. And because of this I find myself left uncontent and impatient. I am convicted. Instead of dwelling on the lack of human love, I should dwell on the fulness of God’s love for me! If I let him, he will satisfy my every longing! There is no doubt about this, because He has promised it in His word and He does not break His promises.
”Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:14
I guess what I’m trying to say, is be encouraged. If you know how I feel (which all of us feel at some point or another), remember where your ultimate satisfaction is found: in the arms of God! He has chosen us to love and cherish, we just need to let him. He is wooing us with his everlasting love which is more fulfilling than any love we can show towards one another. I’m saying this to myself as well as to anyone who will listen, because I think we all need to be reminded every now and then. So instead of me dwelling on the fact that I feel lonely and have this “unfulfilled” longing, I need to turn and run into the arms of God, where all my longings will be satisfied. For He is the God of love, our Heavenly Lover.
~Flashback~
I haven’t been keeping this up at all but I’ve decided to try to update this more often. I’m not making promises of how often it will be updated, because, as many of you know, life as a college student is busy and hectic. So, here’s a quick flashback of the last semester and a half of my life.
Let me just start out by saying, that God is good and I’m constantly learning more and more about what He has in store for me, a few pieces at a time. The last semester has been one of big decisions that will affect my future and what I’m doing with my life. For those of you who don’t know, I don’t like living with much uncertainty. I don’t think any of us do. I’m uncomfortable not having at least a vague idea of what I’m doing, even for the next week. One, because I feel exposed and insecure, and two, because I’m afraid I’ll forget something. I LOVE doing spontaneous things but at the same time I like knowing what’s going on. I need to know what I’m doing so I know when I can be spontaneous, if that makes any sense.
All this to say, I decided mid-semester last fall to change my major from pre-nursing to…who knew what. At the time the only thing I knew clearly was that I did not need to be in pre-nursing. Much as I loved the idea of nursing, God did not have that in his plan for me (at least not for now). This is where the not-liking-uncertainty comes in. Although I knew that I didn’t need to be in pre-nursing, I had no idea what I was supposed to go into. Part of me was ok with taking my time and not rushing into another major, but another part of me did not like living with uncertainty of what I should be doing with my life. One other thing I was and am pretty certain of is that I want to go into ministry/missions. Here in the US or overseas is yet to be determined, I’m open to wherever God leads me after graduation. I knew I loved working with people (is it really that obvious?), I was just uncertain of how I wanted to do that. What were my gifts, strengths, passions, and joys of working with people?
I juggled several ideas including Biblical Studies (with emphasis in missions), Community Development, Interdisciplinary Studies (with youth ministry, biblical studies, and sociology), and Sociology. I prayed, talked to my parents, talked to the Career Center here, asked the opinions of my good friends and prayed some more. With so much on my mind, it was hard to concentrate and focus sometimes. BUT God is good. If you don’t know already, you’re probably wanting me to just hurry up and spill the beans. Well, after much prayer and debating, I’ve come to the decision of changing my major to Sociology, possibly with an emphasis on Interpersonal Counseling. As of now, it’s not completely official as I still need to talk to my advisor and get it officialy changed.
I learned a lot through this process. I learned more about myself, my strengths and weakness. I learned to trust in God through everything, whether or not I know what I’m doing, because HE knows the plan for my life. Like it says in Jeremiah, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” I realized more how much I am blessed to have supporting and prayerful parents. They helped me work through things and were supportive, no matter what I would’ve picked, as long as I’m trusting that it’s what God is calling me to do. There is still uncertainty in my life, yet I know that God is in control and that I don’t have to worry. I have to constantly remind myself of this though. It’s a continual learning process. Praise God for his patience and everlasting mercy!!
Well, so this isn’t super long and you don’t fall asleep, I’m gonna wrap it up. I just wanted to share part of what’s been going on in my life in the past several months. If you have questions, let me know. I seriously am going to try to keep this up, not just with my life but whatever I’m thinking at the time. Feel free to check as often as you’d like or as little as you like.
“Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.”
